Giving and Receiving Feedback
- Beth Repp
- Jun 23
- 5 min read
Feedback is a gift, and those who don't receive it are at a disadvantage. Warren Buffet encourages us to welcome it with open arms any time someone is willing to offer it.
There are great benefits of regular feedback in the workplace. Positive feedback boosts morale. Constructive feedback is necessary to maintain an engaged workforce. Research has shown that employees crave feedback (1), and one of the most common cited reasons people leave jobs is feeling that they were not developed or invested in.
However, both giving and receiving feedback is difficult! Neither comes naturally, but both are simply skills that can be practiced and developed. Below are some helpful tips to keep in mind when either giving or receiving feedback.
Giving Feedback:
The overarching reason to give feedback is to help people grow as human beings. It is more than just improving the workplace in the short-term. Keep this in mind as you approach your trainee, colleague, or employee.
Adam Grant suggests using this magical phrase: "I'm giving you these comments because I have very high expectations and I'm confident that you can reach them (2)."
Provide the feedback in-person, rather than over the phone, zoom, or email.
Keep it specific and factual.
Provide the feedback in a timely manner. Do not wait for an annual review, or for the next time you might see that person.
Focus on the work task or outcome, not on the person.
Focus on actions, not on personal characteristics.
To make the hurdle for giving feedback lower for yourself, think of it as simply giving advice for the next time.
It is easy to spot problems, but harder to come up with solutions. Have a possible solution ready to discuss. Additionally, ask the person you are providing feedback to for their input regarding future solutions.
Ask for feedback for your own work performance. By making it a two way street, you can have more open and easy communication.
Believe and reiterate that you are on the same team. Use the phrases "I'm here to coach you. I'm here to help you. I value the work you put in." When we know others are for us, we can better hear the feedback.
Keep yourself as calm as possible while delivering feedback. Calm is contagious. If you cannot talk about it without anger, frustration, or resentment, you are not ready to talk about it.
Always communicate in ways that can benefit the person receiving the feedback, not just you or the organization.
Lead by example.
Express clear expectations.
Embrace a growth mindset. Believe in the growth and potential for improvement of the trainee, employee, and organization.
Use Brene Brown's "Engaged Feedback Checklist" to prepare yourself (3).
Receiving Feedback:
Not a single person of any success or influence has made it without constant feedback and constructive criticism.
Adam Grant says in Hidden Potential (4), to ask for advice rather than feedback. "Feedback tends to focus on how well you did last time. Advice shifts attention to how you can do better next time. In experiments, that simple shift is enough to elicit more specific suggestions and more constructive input."
When receiving feedback, fully listen. It is very tempting to shut down, get defensive, and not hear the other person. Notice that reaction and try to relax it. Just listen.
Separate the facts of the situation from the story you tell yourself about it. Write down the facts of what was said. Then look at what you are possibly making that mean. Our reactions to feedback and constructive discussions are often blown way out of proportion to what was actually said.
Perceived threats to our identities underly our reactions to feedback. In the book Difficult Conversations (5), Stone, Patton, and Heen describe the three core identities that "underlie what concerns us most during difficult conversations: Am I a good person? Am I competent? Am I worthy of love?" To decrease "identity quakes" during future feedback sessions, try to move away from all-or-nothing thinking about yourself. Recognize that you will make mistakes, your intentions are generally complex, and you contributed to the problem.
How would you hear the feedback if it was being given to someone else?
Develop a constructive response to constructive feedback. Ask yourself "How am I going to show up in a productive way?"
Always change the inner dialogue from "Why is this is happening to me?" to "How is this working for me?"
Accept that this is simply just a part of learning a job or skill. In fact, it is just part of life. We give feedback to children constantly. Why should each of us expect to just stop developing when we reach a certain age?
Keep your overarching goal in mind. If your overall goal is to do the right thing for your patients, to keep learning, to make an impact, to improve your performance each year, then this feedback can be seen as helpful, or merely a minor setback in your overarching goals.
Remember, there is no growth without feedback.
Be truly curious and open-minded about yourself. We all have blind spots when it comes to our own behaviors and performance. Be curious. Is this true? Is any little bit of it true? Many times what we are most defensive about is what we know deep down is a weakness.
Face whatever happens with "unfailing cheerfulness." Ryan Holiday The Obstacle Is The Way (6).
Even if you feel the feedback was unfair or not presented well, remember there is always some good contained within the bad. Find the helpful nugget and be thankful for it.
As Amy Morin writes in 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do (7), do not keep score of your good deeds. The world does not owe you anything in return for the good you do. You will only set yourself up for disappointment when you don't receive what you think you're owed. With the first sign of underappreciation, you may be tempted to give up doing excellent work. Do it for your own satisfication, meet your own standards, regardless of how it is received by others. Sometimes we do great work, and we receive negative reviews. Sometimes we do mediocre work, and it is received glowingly. Don't take either response too seriously. Do your best work. If you continue to do this day after day, week after week, you will produce great work and have a net positive effect.
Embrace a personal growth mindset. This is an opportunity for you to continue to learn and grow.
Think in terms of verbs, not nouns. This was suggested by Andrew Huberman on his podcast interview of Adam Grant. Instead of thinking "I'm a great doctor", change it to "I am continuously working on being a great doctor." Instead of thinking "I am fit", say "I continue to work on my fitness." That way with any setback or bit of constructive feedback, you do not question your overall identity. It is simply part of your journey of next actionable steps.
Don't take it all so seriously. Watch a few old Jimmy Kimmel Mean Tweets videos to see celebrities reading negative tweets about themselves. If they can take it all in stride, we can too.
References/Citations:
https://brenebrown.com/resources/the-engaged-feedback-checklist/
Adam Grant: Hidden Potential: The Science of Achieving Greater Things. https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/hidden-potential-adam-grant/1143501865
Stone, Patton, and Heen: Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/difficult-conversations-douglas-stone/1101992576?ean=9780143137597
Ryan Holiday: The Obstacle Is The Way: The Timeless Art of Turning Trials into Triumph. https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-obstacle-is-the-way-expanded-10th-anniversary-edition-ryan-holiday/1145575264?ean=9780593719916
Amy Morin: 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do: Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success. https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/13-things-mentally-strong-people-dont-do-amy-morin/1119950905?ean=9780062358301
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